- Catherine, you are a lawyer by training. How did you become an etiquette trainer?
- I’ll fix it right away: I'm not an etiquette coach, but a specialist. A trainer is the highest step in the hierarchy of people involved in this business. A specialist is a person who understands etiquette and advises according to the rules of good taste, one-time or periodically at the request of the client (a course of several lessons). I can call myself a coach when I go to study at the European School of Etiquette. Etiquette coaches in Russia can be counted on the fingers. However, many do not think about the hierarchy and call themselves trainers - everyone’s business.
And I began to study etiquette for myself, I just woke up once, and this word revolves in my head. I began to read everything that came across on the Internet, but this stage quickly passed - the knowledge was fragmentary and there was no trust in the sources. I bought books, and again it became boring - there were no experts on good manners among the authors. This is after I came across one book. I decided that it would be great to go somewhere to study, graduated from the law faculty of Tomsk State University and went to Moscow for my first etiquette courses. I studied British and French etiquette at the International School of Etiquette, the Austrian Higher School of Etiquette and the center of effective communications of Ivan Artishevsky. I also have a mentor - it is necessary to become an etiquette coach. I dream about this day.
- Remember your first student?
- It was a group of wedding organizers. 3 months after training with trembling knees, I went to the first study group. The fear was frantic. I wanted to come up with any excuse that a tram hit me, that I got sick, just not to go to class. I am a very critical person, it seemed to me that I did everything badly, but to my surprise and joy, the reviews were good. When there is a lot of knowledge, a natural desire to share them appears, and if it turns out, you understand that this is your calling. This is cool! I decided to become an etiquette specialist because I like to make people better, to help them grow. A person who owns the rules of good form, it is impossible not to notice, he stands out in society.
- What do you teach students? What "ailments" do they turn to you with?
- Here is the usual message: “Catherine, hello. I would like to undergo individual training. So that only I and that no one sees me and does not know at all that ... " People are ashamed to admit that they don’t know something: how to behave, how to use devices and other subtleties. I authoritatively declare: there is nothing "like" in this. Parenting is not equal to etiquette. If you do not know how to eat pasta, this does not mean that you are uncultured, illiterate, impolite, and so on. This means that you do not know it yet. Until. You are not bad, and your parents are not bad.
- By the way, how is there any pasta?
- There are two ways, and experts argue which is better. True, real and right - there is one device, a plug. But few people in Russia are accustomed, like Italians, to eat pasta from infancy. It is believed that in Italy only children, tourists and the elderly take a spoon for pasta in their hand. But the rules are changing, and today recognized spaghetti connoisseurs also use the spoon. We hold the spoon in the left hand, the fork in the right, in exceptional cases, you can swap the devices. Modern etiquette does not prohibit eating with two appliances.
- And what other insidious dishes are there in terms of etiquette?
- Hen. Especially legs and wings. The bird that is eaten in every house in a restaurant can drive into paint. In institutions, we should eat with appliances, separating the flesh from the bone, cutting the meat from the bone to the maximum. In general, it is not easy to eat any meat on the bone with instruments, especially since we rarely do this at home. If you can eat a meal with one fork, eat with a fork. If you started with two cutlery, eat two without delay. Moreover, the best workout is at home.
Fruits are also difficult products; according to etiquette, fruits also need to be eaten with appliances. Still desserts such as meringues, Pavlova - those that are crumbled, and fish - we are not used to eating fish whole with a fish knife, at first it will be difficult. By the way, a salad with large leaves and arugula can also be embarrassing at first.
- Regarding education. At what age do you need to instill good manners? Do you have children?
- Parents are the second largest group of students. I deal with children over seven years old. It happens that parents ask to work with a child of 4–5 years old, in this case I propose to conduct a lesson with adults so that in a daily atmosphere they familiarize the child with the rules of good form using their own example. The best teachers for a small child are his parents, and the best age, whatever one may say, is 3-4 years old. As a rule, mothers and fathers understand that change begins with oneself, and before teaching your child it would be nice to make etiquette an everyday norm. The child must not only hear, but also see everything clearly, using the example of his parents. Etiquette - this is not a dry rule, not some kind of rules that hold people hand and foot.
I teach to remain ourselves, but do not forget about tact, courtesy, attentiveness, restraint. Not blocking emotions, namely restraint. I’m not Mary Poppins, I’m a living person who knows how useful the rules of good form are, how they are universal and help out in unfamiliar situations.
- You said parents are the second largest audience? And who needs etiquette the most?
- First of all, to people in the business sphere. They need to comply with the high status of their position. They understand that manners will tell about a person better than any presentation. They don’t say at the table: “I was training on etiquette,” but it’s easy to recognize a person who has been practicing and applying etiquette by confidence in handling devices, a napkin, and ease of behavior. If a person mechanically follows etiquette, his brain is occupied only with business thoughts. In general, people from 20 to 45 years old come to study. There are more women than men.
- For how long can you learn the rules of good form?
- You can read a book and remember. The question is, how quickly do you start using knowledge? To apply the rules, you need to remember them every day. Some take two months, others take a year. I have been doing etiquette since 2013 and to this day I am mastering the rules. You can find out the information in one master class, but the trainer's task is completed when the rules become the norm. Manners are good when natural.
- Now everything is natural in fashion: natural childbirth, eco-nutrition.There are communities of advocates for open breastfeeding who believe that nothing is better for the baby, and the naturalness of the process will not offend anyone. What does etiquette say about this?
- There is no special rule. I’ll say, “Not recommended.” I witnessed a case when a woman was breastfeeding in a restaurant, and another guest did not like it. The administrator had to ask mom to stop feeding. This case suggests that, despite all the arguments about the naturalness of the process, not everyone is happy and needs to see how the baby is eating.
- What do you think about talking on mobile in transport? Negotiators are not interested in passengers whether they want to know “about Petrov honestly” and some other news of strangers. Is that breaking borders too? How long can I talk on mobile in public transport?
- I believe that it’s generally not possible to talk on the mobile in public transport and surrounded by people, especially if this is not a working environment, and we are sitting in a restaurant or walking with a friend. The only thing I can do is say: “Sorry, I can’t talk now. Can I call you back in 30 minutes? ”Or“ Please call me back in 30 minutes, if it’s convenient for you, unfortunately now it’s not very convenient to have a conversation ”. It can be shorter: "Sorry, I'm not comfortable talking now, I will be in 10 minutes." Some little explanation can be given. If I understand that the call is suffering, I just turn off the sound and call back later. Because no one is interested in listening to what I'm talking about. People go about their business, and information pollution, of course, annoying.
- And how long can messages on social networks wait? Are laws of good manners on the Internet? Or in terms of etiquette there is zero gravity?
- It is advisable to respond to the message within a day. If you have opened a message, but cannot answer immediately, at least in the next hour, write that you cannot answer now, but you can during such and such a time. If the correspondence is business, then we forget about emoticons, we follow the syllable. We always re-read messages, check spelling. Literacy and correctness are also needed on pages on social networks, because an open profile is by no means a private space. Your page can be viewed when applying for a job, for example, HR or a security service.
- You said that women are more interested in etiquette than men. I offer female blitz. Question one: how to dress on a date?
- Let's first find out if there will be a date? If the invitation to the weekend came on Thursday, Friday or day to day, then, like a real lady, a woman should answer: "I already have plans." Because the offer should come at least three days in advance. Especially if we are talking about the beginning of a relationship. The first date is like laying the foundation, the moment when we mark the boundaries in relations with ourselves. The same thing in clothes. Wear a deep neckline blouse and a high heel - do not be surprised if a friend will behave more boldly than you might have expected. Come in a tracksuit - do not be discouraged if there is no second meeting. I consider it appropriate to keep a restrained romantic style: a dress just below the knee and shoes with steady heels. Wildly high heels and a pencil skirt immobilize and ruin the city walk.
- What drinks to order?
- I do not think it’s scary a glass of white or red wine to accompany dinner. One glass. Not more. A glass of water - 100%. For meat or fish - a glass of wine.
- Is it possible to kiss on a first date?
- As a specialist in etiquette, I do not recommend it. Borders are borders, the foundation is the foundation. Dine, walk, look at the stars and go home. It will not be worse.
- How to behave when visiting a man’s parents? What to talk about? Are there any taboo topics?
- Behavior should characterize you as a person. Be attentive, restrained, tactful and punctual. In the first meeting, the parents of the man are unfamiliar to you. You do not know their temperament, their reaction to your statements and thoughts, so feel for the situation. If you don’t know what to talk about, ask a question about sports, cinema, books, art, the cultural life of the city, scientific achievements, weather, nature, food, and institutions. Talk about general anti-conflict topics.
In a personal meeting, you make a first impression, even if you have already been told about. If you come home for a family dinner in a miniskirt or in a bandage dress with gathered hair and evening make-up, this will be at least strange. Relevance is the golden rule. Keep your posture and smile, the smile, by the way, is often underestimated, and she is your lifesaver. Think over the minimum scenario, a dozen questions. And be sincere.
- And finally, what books on etiquette do you recommend reading?
- “A complete set of rules for social and business communication” by Tatyana Belousova. There is also a book by the founder of the Washington School of Protocol, Dorothy Johnson and Liv Tyler, “Do not put your smartphone on the table. The rules of etiquette that will help you always be on top. " There are many good points, I like the way the rules are laid out, but the interpretation is American. At some points, it differs from the English and French etiquette that is followed in Russia. I also advise “365 etiquette rules that every child should know” by Cheryl Eberly. Before buying a book, google: “Who is this author? Is he a specialist in etiquette? Where did he study? What is his education? ”Checking is a good habit.
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